Sunday, April 5, 2015

An Easter letter to God..

Dear God,

Last night I went to the Maundy Thursday service at church with my family. I felt so proud to gather in my church where my kids are going to grow up. I love watching them run down the hallways and go into their classrooms.. (Sometimes with tears, sometimes without, lol). I sat down with a row of people from my Sunday School class and I just felt so blessed. I know there are people in this world that don't get the freedom that we have to worship together, and I know there are people in this world who have not found a church that loves and embraces them. I'm so grateful to have both those things in my life.

This Easter is my anniversary at Crossings. I remember talking to you many times about finding a church when I moved to Oklahoma City to take a new radio job. I went into so many different churches and they just didn't feel like where I was supposed to be until I walked into Crossings.. And as you know, walking into Crossings can be intimidating, but you gave me the courage to go. The Second I sat foot in the doors I knew I was home. The Biggest reason was the beautiful music I heard coming from an orchestra made of people that volunteer their time and are THAT talented! Blew my mind.. and this Church continues to do that for me every time I walk in.

As Terry was telling the Communion Story I couldn't help but wonder how you were able to do what you did. When he said "God had chosen his Lamb" it gave me chills because when I look at my two babies I can't imagine the heartache you must have felt knowing you had to send your Son to save the world. I don't think I would be strong enough to do that. I can't imagine the hurt you felt when he asked you to take away his pain and to spare him. As a mom, all you want to do is make the lives of your kids great. You never want them to suffer, or be sad, or hurt, or have anyone hurt them.. Yet you sent Jesus to go through all that, and I'm sure it broke your heart. Its emotional, because I know you did it for all your other 'kids'.. me included.

A long time ago I heard a sermon that talked about a woman who had a son with a very special gene. A gene that could heal all sickness, cancers, and diseases in the world. This one boy could save the world from suffering all those painful diseases. But for the boy to be able to save them, he had to die so they could remove those cells that would save others. That sermon moved me because I don't know that we ever look at our kids, or our family and think that we could give them up ever.. Even to save a world from hurt, but that is exactly what you had to do and I'm grateful. I'm grateful that a new covenant has been made even though it was made out of heartbreak.

Friday we went to the Good Friday service. It was a moving example of how much God did for us. I know its important to remember what Jesus had to go through.. his friends betraying him.. people doubting him.. all the physical pain.. all the torment. It wasn't an easy choice for you to make, or for Jesus to live through, and even though Easter weekend is a happy time, I always want the reminder of what you did for us, and what Jesus lived through for us.

This is an emotional weekend. Not only is it my anniversary at Crossings, but its my birthday in Christ. I remember making my own covenant with you after watching an Easter play at the Baptist church in Hobart. I looked up at my dad and asked him to walk with me down the isle to give my life to you. There were tears in his eyes and I knew that that was something he, my grandma Leona, and my mom had been praying for since I was born.

 This time of year I always feel super close to my grandma, even though she has been gone for 16 years. I think I feel close to her because she was always so close to you and nothing pleased her more than when I started my own relationship with you. I'd imagine she's pretty happy now too watching my girls. I hope that with your help I can leave that same example of faith for my girls.

So thank you God. Thank you for all my blessings that I watch every day. Thank you for my church and the amazing joy it brings me every time I walk into it. Thank you for my family and for always knowing Exactly what I need, even when I don't. When I found out I was having twins I really questioned your judgement.. I wasn't even sure about ONE baby, and here you go giving me TWO babies. I questioned whether or not I could even keep them alive! I had never even held a baby before, and now I'd be opening up my arms for two?? I remember having some pretty serious discussions with you about this.. lol.. And asking you "What are you thinking!?".. Even though you are the God of the Universe I still stupidly question your judgement sometimes.. Which I realize as I write this is ignorant.. so My bad on that.. But once again, You were right. When I look at Crosslee I see visions of me as a toddler.. Endlessly Curious, always in a hurry, stubborn, Passionate and Driven.. and I think.. What an Amazing Kid to know!.. But then When I look at Londyn I see a kid that truly savors every moment she lives in.. every bite she takes, every grain of sand that she runs through her hands. She looks at the world with her eyes wide open, just waiting to take it all in. She has the sweetest smile and is so sincere and I think.. What an Amazing Kid to know! I can only imagine this is how you feel when you look at all your kids. Every one different, but every one special. They are beautiful, healthy, special, and built just for me.

So Thank you for always knowing my heart.. for always having my back.. and for knowing what I am capable of, even when I don't. For putting people in my life who are truly great. For giving me the courage to distance myself from those who do not share the same vision for my family. For my husband who you built just for me, and my babies who bring me so much joy. Thank you for forgiving me when I fail you or disappoint you. Thank you for putting me in situations that teach me important lessons, and Thank you for saving me. Your love is truly Great and I'm excited to celebrate it this Easter.
Love you,
PS, Tell my Grandma Leona Hi for me and that I still miss every day.

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